DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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