I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
