Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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