Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
