Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
