Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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