I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
