Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
