My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
