Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
