You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
