Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
