I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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