My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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