Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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