Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
