Please, let me fuck your mom
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
