Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
