I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
