i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
