I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
