Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
