you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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