based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
