I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
