I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hate all girls vehemently.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
