God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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