there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
