when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
