I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I am spending my child support on dildos
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
