He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
