Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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