tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
