What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
