24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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