im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
