i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
