Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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