well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
