I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
