Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
