he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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