I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
