Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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