Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
