Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My bed smells like the plague
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
