wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
