I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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