He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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