You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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