genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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