I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
