need another drink. this is the easiest way
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
